Friday, May 07, 2004

Mel’s back….

Mel Gibson, ace actor (not), ace director (not) and friend of this country (definitely not) is apparently planning to make a film about ancient British heroine, Boudicca. Alfie the Barry Norman has managed to get hold of Mel’s provisional movie notes…..

Movie Synopsis – ‘Boudicca, Queen of the Icenae’…..

Background
.
Boudicca, noble and beautiful Queen of the Icenae, struggles to free her people from the jack booted English hordes.

The English, devious and sly as ever are cunningly disguised as full metalled Roman Soldiers, thus also besmirching the good and peace loving nature of the Roman people. The cruel and evil English, promise our noble Queen, FREEDOM! – but instead slap her about a bit, rape her daughters and do a lot of ‘stiff upper lippy’ sneering to boot.

Cast List (provisional).

The Icenae
Boudicca – Meg Ryan.
Boudicca’s mum – Elizabeth Taylor.
Yanxae (Boudicca’s noble bodyguard) – Brad Pitt.
Bronxae (Noble captain of the Queen’s army) – Ben Affleck.
Tribal Sage – Woody Allen.
Boudicca’s daughters – Gwynyth Paltrow and Liv Tyler.
‘Dubbyae’, the village idiot – Ronald Reagan.
Mysterious mystical man that keeps appearing and shouting ‘FREEDOM’ – Charlton Heston.
Mysterious ethnic man, wise, compassionate and mysterious – Morgan Freeman.

The cruel and unfeeling English disguised as Romans.
Roman Governor, Slyus Bastardia – Alan Rickman.
Sly Roman Spy, Twofacius – Gary Oldman.
Sneering Seer, and general all round old hag – Judi Dench.
Sadistic posh Roman that meets a really sticky end – Jeremy Irons.
Stupid oafish Roman, who wears a different tunic, so you just know that he will be the first one to die – Eddie Large.
Claudius – Roman Emperor (but probably English) – Charles Dance.

I predict an extremely balanced and objective piece of work from Mr Gibson – obviously. Oh and a statue being erected in Norwich of Meg Ryan dressed as Boudicca.

Thus the corruption of our history, by Hollywood continues apace.

Coming soon, the stirring story of how Tom Cruise saves the entire British nation when he decides to drive a Spitfire in WW2.


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