Lies, damn lies and "I’ve got 10 Valentine cards this morning"…...

OK, who’s going to admit it then? How many of you have done this? (not that Alfie the 'ever so popular with the birds and his schoolmates' has done it obviously)

You’re at school, it’s the 12th of February and you’re doing a more than passable impression of a Billy No-Mates just after eating double helpings of a garlic infused meal with a triple dose of B.O (per armpit!). and a face about to assume the dynamic of several Krakatoa’s….

In the distance, Todger - the school cock is knocking seven shades out of ‘Creepy Wilkins’ the school swot. I can hear his cringing moans from here.

Nearby, Dalton, the school romeo is mouthing off on just how many Valentine’s cards he is going to get "Probably have to send a Royal Mail van round to my house….. several times".

Cue group guffaws from his adoring audience.

Slimeball Simkins, the school twat, glides around Dalton, the original goldenballs and mutters manly encouragement. Just then, he looks up and sees you… "Ahhh, it’s Billy No-Mates. And just how many Valentine's cards do you think you’ll be getting?"

You vaguely wave your arms around expansively, doing a passable impression of Magnus Pyke having a spaz attack……

The collective goldenballs clack piss themselves…

The great day comes – it’s the 14th of February. You wake up, do some shadow karate stuff in front of the full-length mirror, change your undies and liberally paint on the Lynx underarm roll-on. Today is going to be just a superb day! Humming, 'Sex bomb' by Tom Jones, you trot downstairs and gaze at the front door mat. The ‘Welcome’ moniker is totally obscured by the vanilla envelopes peppering the floor. "Are these for me?’ You waftily muse…..

Striding to school is easy today. In your satch’ is a veritable bevy of lewdly suggestive calligraphy from who knows where?
Parker, the school nosy bastard trots over "What you looking so pleased about then?"

You smirk. You know why don’t you?

You know where all those sexy, minxy type cards have come from…. You know who wrote the suggestive prose from Sharon, Sexy Sheila, and Nympho Nigella? You know because you wrote them – to yourself! You couldn’t even just throw them underneath the letterbox, you had to post them the day before.

You’ve just joined ranks with Winton, the school self-delusionist, Archer, the school fraud, Tourett, the school blabbermouth and ‘Posh’ Adams, the most talentless person in the whole school (and that includes the dinner ladies and semi invalid ancient caretaker)……. .