"and this is Barry Hyperbole reporting for News at Ten, Cellardyke, Fife"..

Blimey, how dramatic was Thursday night’s news? Actually, not very dramatic at all really – it was wall to wall waffle. Talk about ‘bigging something up’. All the main media players were there surrounding the tiny harbour of Cellardyke in Scotland, Sky, BBC, ITV, Channels 4 and 5 all coming live from the little harbour wall. Anything that moved had a mike shoved under its bracket…. "What do you think about Bird Flu…. Will you still eat Curried Chicken Crisps?…. Is it the end for KFC in Britain?......

Does anyone remember the Monty Python sketch from 'Alan Whicker Island'?..... you get the idea.

The message from everyone was the same. Don’t Panic!!! It was ‘The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy’ meets ‘Dr Findlay’s Casebook’ as every ‘Northface' weatherproof-wearing anchor man ringed the tiny harbour to report on Britain’s first ‘Bird Flu’ fatality. A full half an hour was dedicated to the Don’t Panic it's a dead Swan story on the BBC news. Experts were wheeled out – they too wore ‘Northface’ gear – plus the occasional ‘Gore-Tex’ job.

One Prof’ said that we were all perfectly safe as long as we didn’t swap bodily fluids with sparrows or eat too much Trill…. Meanwhile, back to the harbour wall and our special Bird Flu reporter, Johnny Waffleburger….."Yes, Dermot, I have with me Dreary McCaber, a local resident. Ms McCaber, you apparently nearly saw the dead swan in the sea. "Och yes, about 2 years ago, I was only looking in that very same spot the swan was found"…..

"So you didn't actually see the Swan?"

"No, not actually - but apparently it was deathly white - so it must have been ill"....

"Great, really interesting…..Sorry, have to cut you short, back to the studio were Dermot has an expert with him on ‘how not to panic by following some simple breathing exercises ’ with him"…..

(I reckon the only panic in Cellardyke last night was when the news teams tried to find a hotel room)…