Conspiracy theories?……
Nah, just a jobsworth doing my head in again.

I’ve not had a very good week at all. It’s been bleeding rubbish actually. Blogging’s the last thing on my mind as I’ve been trying to clear my name against an establishment, big brother juggernaut.

Yes, it’s been Alfie versus the world…. There could only be one winner.

We are trying, trying so bloody hard to start a new business venture. The company is registered, the site is up – we just need a business banking account. Well, that was in November of last year and we are still bloody waiting. One of the biggest problems is trying to prove who we are – and apparently ID theft is the new crime of choice. There are 5 of us – all equal shareholders, you would not believe how hard it is to prove who we are. A Utility bill won’t do it – neither will a testimonial from a JP - and if you do not have a passport or a driving licence, you’re basically goosed. For in the eyes of the State, you have no identity.

The problems with our submission were many, outdated passports, lost driving licences – it just went on and on. Last Friday week, I received a ‘phone call from Bizz-Bank HQ.

"What’s the problem then?"

"Well you are actually"

According to the jobsworth at the end of the line, I, me, myself had nearly 20 grands worth of CCJs against my name.

I was apoplectic, struck down dumb by the bint on the other end of the line insisting I was a cheat, a vagabond, a n’er do well……

Had my I.D. been stolen? Was a Rumanian gang making inroads into the Alfie fortune? Had I been cloned? Worse of all, was I now in favour of I.D. cards?

I signed up to experian the credit control experts of choice for the well and truly see-see-jayed, to get a copy of my credit report. I applied online and after a horrible weekend of sleepless nights and turbo angst. My keycode arrived under secure post on Tuesday morning. I logged on, tapped my keycode in and there it was in all its glory. My credit report – take it from me, the detail is scary, minute and forensic. There is absolutely everything on it…..

15:3:03 – Alfie swears at cashier as he pays in his pie bill….. (late).

I rang the good folk at Experian to take me through it – where was the CCJ file? It didn’t exist – I was clean, my file was clean. I was happy as the strain lifted…. The jobsworth at the bank was dead.

I rang them – at Bizz-Bank Corps, Mrs Jobsworth answered. They were never wrong, they never made mistakes, they never apologised because they’re never wrong. I sent them a fax of my report.

They apologised. I threatened to sue. One of their oppo’s had made a mistake, he wasn’t in at the moment, but would be reprimanded upon his return. His line manager was as mad as hell……….

I.D. cards might be a good thing, if only the ‘cock-up’ factor could be eliminated….. And that never can be, can it? Whatever is done, Mr and Mrs Jobsworth will be there, at the double, ready to cock it all up….