The House of Lords needs me!

I sent off for this stuff ages ago. Older readers of the Alfred the OK archive may remember my musings on receiving these bits and bobs through the post well over a year ago now. When it came, I was all of a dither - so excited at the possibility, no matter how infinitesimally microid of me, a slob from the wrong side of the tracks actually joining the ‘has’ and the ‘beens’ of the British establishment. When it came, I vowed to give a whole week-end to filling it in – but being very busy at the time, I put it in a really safe place. So safe was that really safe place, I totally forgot exactly where that really safe place was…..

And then, the other day, whilst clearing out an old box of stuff, cunningly marked ‘really safe place’, I found it - along with my Dennis the Menace membership card and my 1972 Pan’s People Annual. Hmmmmmm, Cheryl and Babs...…… Anyway, back to the present.

What is it? The thing I’ve just found? It’s an application form to become a member of the House of Lords - obviously. I reckoned the Lords could do with a chippy, gobby English nationalist in their ranks to shake the detritus from their ermine robes and the complacency from their fallen arches. And anyway, my current pension is crap and I fancy giving the hairdryer treatment to Fatty Falconer and that windbag Lord Kinnock of Gingerness…. And with a bit of extra luck, Fatty Fat Boy Prescott might be getting kicked upstairs shortly – so I can get up close and personal to him…..

I’ve also decided on a couple of names, should I be successful in my application to join the august body. It sort of sums up my reason for wanting to join in the first place – to get under the skin of the Establishment, to be the biggest pain in the arse I can be…..
Lord Scabies of Irritania or Lord Piles of Sandpaper, seem to be appropriate.

Anyway, this time I will most certainly fill this form in – and await the guaranteed rejection letter. It’ll look nice, framed on the lounge wall next to my rejection letters to join the Women’s Institute, Mensa and The Tufty Club…

I can almost smell the rejection – it’ll go something like this…

Dear Mr OK,
Further to your application to join the noble House of Lords, I regret to inform you that this year’s quota of chippy, rotund gobby pains in the arses has been filled. We are holding one place open however, as we are expecting Lord Prescott of Turrets Syndromia to take his seat in the very near future..

We have put you on the chippy, rotund waiting list, behind Bernard Manning, Ricky Tomlinson and the late Les Dawson.

We thank you for your interest, but suggest you try joining an organisation more suited to your talents. Have you tried The Tufty Club?