Fog on the mind…..

Former brilliant footballer and friend of ‘five bellies’, Paul Gascoine wants to be taken more seriously.

He’s left fat ‘n’ jovial pal Danny Baker and sad ‘n’ ginger pal Chris Evans standing at the bar of life, waiting for last orders.

Paul’s gone. He wants to do more cerebral things with his post-footy career. Elocution lessons are being taken, with a view to break into Planet Punditry on the telly - and he is half way through his football coaching badges. There is even talk of him starting the odd ghosted footy column in a national newspaper.

There’s a problem though. Paul’s got baggage. Fifteen years of boozing, birding, wife beating, and playing crap practical jokes means Paul reckons no one will take him seriously in his new career move.

Paul’s answer is to change his first name via deed poll for the princely sum of just a tad under thirty quid. He reckons something like ‘Brad’, 'Shane' or ‘Jonny Gascoine’ will give him a really seriously mature profile. But he wants much more than that. When some adoring member of the public utters his new name, he wants them to think "God, this guy really knows his stuff – he’s a brain of a planet bloody genius"…..

Paul’s bound to be disappointed though. Someone else has already got ‘Bamber’……