Crabs - the facts.......

Apparently, 10 million monster super-crabs are on their way to our shores from northern Russia. They're the bovver boys of the crustacean crew eating everything in their path and leaving absolutely nothing behind. They have a claw span of 3 feet and can easily snip off a man's finger.

A Government spokesman has applauded their imminent arrival as a welcome addition to our dinner plate. "These Crustaceans will add to our multi culinary experience" he said. The Opposition have called for controls to be imposed stating that these foreigners will take dinner plate space from our own, home grown crabs. Certain right wing 'red tops' are stirring the issue with such inflammatory headlines as 'Crabs - they'll swamp us and snip off our men's fingers' ........ 'Foreign crabs - so tough they are not even taking the £2 air ticket from EasyJet - they're walking here!' and 'Crabs - over here, in our underwear and on the dole?'

Me? I'm off to check my undie - crackers, very, very carefully….